Bet you’re wondering how, given the previous post, I’m suddenly back up and running. Here’s an explanation and also a little look inside my brain concerning why I haven’t been posting so much lately. Well, strap in and get ready, your answer awaits, just after a heartfelt thank you.
The site was going away because I couldn’t afford the domain. Most people know that it doesn’t cost much money, but I don’t have it. I’m in such a hard spot because I’m trying to catch up my bills so I’m not getting all my services cut off every single month. My internet is currently shut off. My phone is on a payment arrangement. My landlord is breathing down my neck and I don’t have any money to eat this week. Everyone is pissed off I can’t just print money but no one knows I’m killing myself to get out of this fucking hole. Furthermore, they wouldn’t care.
So I put out the word that my site was going away, just like everything else. An anonymous friend of a friend, a writer, paid the domain fee for me. I couldn’t believe it. I had already come to terms with losing the site, dealt with my choice to sacrifice it for my ugly quest to catch up on my bills, and suddenly I no longer had to take the loss. I was unbelievably grateful, and happy. I was actually happy, which is normally my first sacrifice. So then there I was, the site was back and I haven’t been able to get a post out to save my life.
The reason I couldn’t post anything is what I wanted to say. It’s something I’ve been feeling for quite some time now, but first, let’s address the thank you. This was a gift from a writer to a writer. You don’t thank a writer with a simple thank you, a card or a gift in return. To thank a writer, you need to write. And not some rinky dinky post for popularity or views. A proper thank you for a gift like this is to pour out my bleeding heart about something I’m struggling with and don’t really want to talk about.
Welcome to that part of this post.
Here is the thing that has been preventing me from posting or making videos. It’s like the turd that’s preventing you from farting. It’s a feeling that there’s something wrong, and it’s at the core of what I call my creative outlet. It’s the core of why I do what I do.
Everything I create is for someone, a lot of someone’s in fact. It’s for all of you. Every post, every video, it’s for all of you. This makes me want to do everything better, get it right. Then I have to focus on my SEO so it shows up in search, and I have to tag it properly so more people see it and my rankings go up and I get more audience. That’s how you get more views and grow a following. It’s how you get known and in time, how you turn your views into money.
And it drives me fucking crazy! It’s so stupid it defeats the purpose of everything a creative outlet is. An outlet is raw, unedited, there’s no SEO or Likes. It’s also a private thing. So if I’m dumping out the best content I can, it still isn’t real if it’s for someone else. So if I plan something for someone else, it’s not mine. It’s a gift, like what my anonymous writer friend did for me. That person didn’t need the money and chose to give it to me. It’s the same thing if I create content for the masses. It’s currency. A product. And the one thing a product is not is a creative fucking outlet.
So my heart hasn’t been in it. Any of it. And that is my entire problem lately.
As a private person, I thrust myself into the public eye to try and get out of my money troubles, but here’s the trick – I got a decent amount of views and reads, but no money. The age old problem. It was a dumb plan, and I feel stupid. I created content I believe in, but it was kind of like I was censoring myself to be more accessible to the masses.
And I don’t want to be accepted. I want to be heard. Sure, it would be great if I made money off this stuff, but what would it have felt like if I did? I bet I would feel empty inside. I’d hate myself because I tried to fly with clipped wings. And worse yet, I was getting good at it.
Truth about this is I didn’t honestly give it enough time to gain the level of success needed to make a single dollar off a creative endeavor in 2017. And the other truth is I don’t know if I have what it takes to put out the things I want to say. I might not be good enough.
There, I said it. I am too pushy trying to get my message out there and I might not even be good enough to deserve to. My appetite is huge out of needs that can’t be met by content creation. So where does this leave me? I don’t know.
All the shit I’m feeling and that’s been eating away at my brain has me all fucked up. I really don’t know how to proceed. The past year’s content has left me feeling a little hollow, and I want to unleash and not care, but if I do, then I kiss goodbye any form of money, like ever. I mean, YouTube is demonetizing people who report on natural disasters, how are they gonna deal with a fat white guy who openly says cunt and calls himself a honky? Advertisers would run from me like I was a fucking Yeti in heat.
So I have come to the conclusion that my content cannot generate a single dime for me … but want to put it out there just the same. So the hosting on the site is paid for 2 more years and the domain is paid up for a year. I’m going to give the blog that time and see where it goes. As for the vlog, I’ll do the same. I’m going to say what I want. What I feel. I realize that, for whatever reason, my content isn’t worth money or likes or to be seen by more than a few hundred people. But it’s mine, and to me, that’s worth more than money.
I will no longer do this for you. I will no longer bite my tongue or kill myself over SEO or keywords, search terms, fucking Likes or subs. Fuck all of that in the ass. I’ll put out my content when I want to create it. And I’ll say what I want, how I want to say it. And instead of getting all of you to tell your friends and get me a huge audience, I’ll let what I say hang out there in the wind and I will no longer give two shits what who says about it.
I tried it their way and I can’t afford to eat this week. So fuck them and their way. I’ll live out the rest of my creative life how I see fit and that has to be good enough. I enjoy writing and I enjoy making videos. I like talking about sketchy shit that makes squares squirm in their trendy overpriced chairs. I like running and talking to a camera with no one else around at midnight. You know why? Because this world needs people like me, those who stay broke as punishment for having something to say. I don’t care who I offend. This is my content now, it’s not your’s any longer.
And if you don’t like it, get the fuck off my lawn.
But, if you don’t live a cookie cutter life wearing a fake smile while the world turns to shit all around you, then I have a much different sentiment for you: Welcome home.
The Runs / Walks / Training with Dan video series stays. The rest is a dark road we drive with the headlights off and the stereo blasting Public Enemy. So, as the captain of this ship, I wait for the dawn.